The Banjo.

From the various positive influences in my life, undoubtedly, the most inspiring among them have come from either unexpected or unrelated sources. My latest source of epiphany was no exception.

I have been horribly over-thinking a lot since I moved to Iowa. In general, I haven’t been as “happy.” I’m not sure why, and it might have something to do with how unhappy I was right before moving here, or perhaps that I’m really far from my family, but I’ve definitely noticed it to be the case. I think the latest bout of unhappiness spawned from the election. There were nights that I literally couldn’t sleep, because I was so worked up about it. I felt so strongly about things then, that I just couldn’t think of anything else. I’d just get so angry. It really wasn’t worth it... it didn’t change anything, and never even had the ability to. I’m not sure what I was thinking, then.

Even as more things in the “big world” make me furious, I’m finding that the act of voicing my opinions about them actually results in making me less happy. I thought the effect would be the opposite, but I have been very wrong, and have observed the difference in my mood since I came to this realization. What finally worked for me was coming to the understanding that I have a reason to be mad about things, but that really won’t change them. Seriously, most every negative feeling that I have is completely justified... but totally unnecessary and utterly useless to the betterment of my life. So, I’ve started to be more of the person I want to be and, arguably, kind-of used to be.

So what brought this on? The Banjo. Well, the guy playing the banjo, actually. I don’t know him, and likely won’t see him again, but he had a really large impact on my life, at least this week. For our last orchestra concert, we did three pieces: A sort-of-crappy piece by Hovhaness, Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue (Original jazz orchestration) and Strauss’s Ein Heldenleben. For the dress rehearsal, Hovhaness was first, then the Gershwin, which I didn’t play in, and then the Strauss. So we miserably muddled through the Hovhaness and then I obviously left the stage. I noticed someone I had never seen before, and figured that it was the banjo player. Right before they started rehearsing it, he was running around kind of crazily, I don’t know if he forgot something or had to go to bathroom or what...

Anyway, so they start running the piece and this guy is just totally into it. At first it seemed kind of strange, but then I could just tell that he felt so incredibly lucky to be there. He enjoyed every note that both he and everyone else on stage was playing. It’s hard to describe what I observed, I guess. But you see, for some reason musicians often think their time is more important than everyone else’s. I’m not sure where that comes from... but we’re basically just stuck up! It could be due to the fact that we spend so much time alone with our instruments and thinking about music that we put ourselves up on some sort of pedestal. Or maybe that we do that practicing in order to perform for people, who we hope like us enough to clap and/or stand with loud appreciation for our efforts. So as with most inconvenient rehearsals during busy weeks, most everyone around me was negative. This happens all of the time. We judge others and complain about everything. I know I tend to do that, especially if I’m in a bad mood... It’s easier to complain than it is to rise above whatever is annoying or wrong in the situation. Again, I think in the past, I’ve expected that this expression of emotion would yield a positive feeling, but no! Wrong again! No endorphins come out of the flood gates and certainly nothing really is improved by it. In fact, it just spreads around and people feed off of each other in a sad little pool of negativity. Why do we do this? Why do I do this? Makes no sense!

So, I just ended up thinking about that banjo player a lot. All day on Wednesday, the day of the concert, I just kept realizing how lucky I was to play for people that night. I got to play some really great music for what was likely to be an appreciative audience. I enjoyed that performance SO much! I was very focused, but I felt as if I was doing what I was doing for the audience and for everyone else on stage with me, instead of for myself. When I realized that I was in the midst of a really exposed or particularly scary moment, I wasn’t afraid! In fact, there were many moments in which I was more brave than I had been in any rehearsal. I felt like I was giving it out and it wasn’t me playing, it was just my part in the big picture, going toward the listeners. I guess this seems simple and obvious, but thoughts like this have always been trumped by “I really hope I don’t screw this up!” and “I wonder if everyone just heard that tiny mistake...” It definitely wasn’t the best performance of my life, but it ended up being probably the most enjoyable one. I’m going to have to work to make sure I retain this approach.

So after that, I started examining at the rest of my life, which brought me to the whole politics thing. Screw politics! I mean, it’s never really felt rewarding, anyway. Why should I care as much as I did? I’m not in a position to do anything about anything. So, I’m focusing on what I can do in my immediate world and the events and people therein. I think that will keep me in check, make me more healthy and also allow me to better enjoy my life...

Sorry for the random ramblings. But hey, you chose to read it... you knew what you were getting into. Or... you didn’t have much to do, today.